dispatch from the german music scene.

you down with opp?

orleans parish prison baby.
a birthday well spent.

i love this city.
absurd.

xo
xo

powdered white stuff.

snow: the harbinger of hurricanes
last time it snowed: december 2004, the summer thereafter hurricane katrina.

fun times.
fun times.

Daily Reinforcement

So this is how my day is going today:

raizan:bin ham$ cd /usr/local/tomcat6/bin && ./startup.sh
Using CATALINA_BASE: /usr/local/tomcat6
Using CATALINA_HOME: /usr/local/tomcat6
Using CATALINA_TMPDIR: /usr/local/tomcat6/temp
Using JRE_HOME: /usr/local/soylatte16-1.0.2/
raizan:bin ham$ sudo apachectl start
Password:
org.apache.httpd: Already loaded
raizan:bin ham$ echo word up
word up
raizan:bin ham$


It's the little things. The very, very little things.

monumental news

Clench your ass cheeks, pinch your nose, maybe even hold onto your nut sac should it explode upon the following news: Sniff has been ENTIRELY* sober for 6 whole days now! That's one day shy of a full week if you can't count on your hungover, trembling hands. Why? How? I have no idea. It's as much of a mystery as Mystery is a 'pick up artist'. I am finding such sweet comfort in Seltzer! Shirley Temples! Grapefruit Juice!(fresh squeezed) Pineapple Juice! (from concentrate) Mocktails!

It's actually not the worst thing exactly, but it sure as shit makes bartending a LOT less fun. I'm not "getting" the jokes as much perhaps? People now seem too needy and demanding? It's OK though since I am getting back in touch with my inner cunt. But fear not ol drinking pals! It's nothing I can or would ever get righteous about since I know it won't last forever. And there's nothing worse than a reformed whore.



*exclusive of the occasional Percoset to offset the discomfort of a wisdom tooth's looming threat to fuck with my face.

The Hong Kong Bureau Departs

Steve: may the great squid bless and keep you
me: and may his squiddly appendage shine upon you
Steve: long may he squirt
amen
me: e nominae squiddalae
et tentacalae
et spiritu bagbodiae
amen
Steve: vaya con calamar
me: vaya con squididos

This is My Unconscious.

This is fragments of a dream I had last night - if anyone of you dear readers has any insight into dream interpretation, kindly leave a comment.

"…my dream involved getting attacked by a man who was living in the men's bathroom at sunny's. when he attacked me, I screamed for help and a bunch of you dudes came to help - I continually screamed. the man was large and seemed to be retarded, and was not wearing a shirt. he was filthy, and attacked me because I had disturbed his rest of many years.

then I projected astrally, and all gchat windows that were open on earth were stacked in in a 3d line that curved through the universe. the funny thing about that was that they had all turned into sinks, and were spilling water through each other, like some sort of universe-sized waterfall.

also, when I woke up, I had the sensation of water flowing down my arm. there was no water flowing down my arm…"

Please help me.

Please.

crapocopia. it's fall dude.

Cuttle fish, let's discuss.......
and what the fuck for thanksgivin?
p.s. obama is a treeosist!
well, maybe.

Sobriety Fail

So, I started running a new bar in Dublin called The Thomas House. Leading up to this opening, myself, the owner Steven and the other manager Shane all had been drinking way too much. Seriously, like Red Hook amounts of drinking. So we decided that we would all be "going off the piss" until at least Halloween. Steven lasted 2 days, myself I lasted a WHOPPING 32 hours, and Shane is still doing well.

I am very proud of myself, I lasted a whole day and a half without getting drunk. Fuck you and kudos to me.

The Approval

I swore to some I would cartwheel naked down Van Brunt when I got green lighted by the swift and encouraging minds at NYC's Department of Buildings. I was also expecting it to still be summer. Needless to say, it's a bit too chilly to make good on that promise. I may however, get rip roaring wasted on celebratory (read: expensive) wine and end up passing out on my couch, currently located on top of the bus stop. Thank you fellas, for helping that dream come true. Have a seat.

Halloween Planning; Attack From the Briny Depths

me: halloween party at bait and tackle

Steve: nice

me: i'm going as something entirely creepy

however? it will be awesome

Steve: jumping jacks?

me: think "pink bodysuit"

Steve: no

me: yes

Steve: nein

me: i'm going as a giant squid

with a size-appropriate penis

Steve: oh my

me: i'm making a squid-body hat

and wearing a pink bodysuit

and that's it

oh? painting self pink

Steve: oh dear

me: oh yes

Steve: oh sweet gay jesus

me: also?

i'll be dancing

Steve: well

me: yes

Steve: i see

so, is there any stopping this madness?

me: no

Steve: how about a nice "frankenstein"?

me: my decision has been rendered

Steve: or a "ghost"?

me: nein

Steve: ah well

let the world be warned

me: yes

i'm going to "squid attack people"

by "thrusting pelvis"

Steve: this is wholly inappropriate

me: yes it is

Steve: will your costume have "action glands"?

me: of course

my "penis"

Steve: oh

me: m told me that she was making "alternate plans"

for halloween

so as not to be "seen with me"

i have a way with people, steven

Steve: indeed

me: yes

Steve: but at the end of the day, who can resist the allure of the giant squid?

the squid asks nothing, and yet gives so much

me: it doth

it gives so much

"inappropriate fondling"

Me programming fun fun everyday

ben: If I see a comments like this again, I'm going to have a shit fit:
//For each line read we will keep track of it via a item number
int itemNumber = 1;

//increment the line number
itemNumber++;

sa: that is awesome
sa: i always like to comment my code like:
// If you're reading this, suck my cock

ben: I enjoy comments like that. Personally, I hide them in code

int ck;
double important_num;
int my;
int suc;
int co;

important_num = suc+ my + cos(k);

ben: I suppose that's not a comment.
sa: it's a comment on society
ben: When I have some free time to fling monkey wrenches I throw in comments like this:
// This code might be very important, but I commented it out. I hope this doesn't break anything
// this.runEverything();

sa: i like this one:
//global vars
int a1=0;
int a2=13;
int a3=6;
a3=a1;

ben: Once we refactored every class in a project so that they only had one method, DoIt()
sa: nice
ben: We would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for those pesky kids.

Hollywood, Eat Your Heart Out

Steve: tomorrow i think i will go to a doctor in the morning and spend some of my health care monies

i need some elective surgeries

various embiggenings and enwidenings

me: what sort of surgery are we speaking of?

Steve: well, i was thinking of having another testicle attached

also, second asshole

me: i would think that you would want to have a third asshole attached

me: that way, you can make a tripod out of plungers, and always have a seat available

Steve: oh wow

i think you just blew my mind

me: think about the ways you could sit

you could attach yourself to the side of a bus

and see hongers in style

assholes flapping in the wind

a look of buddha-like contentment on your face

as you slowly impaled yourself on a plunger tripod

SPLURF

SPLORF

SPLOOF

Steve: i wonder if you are available to direct a short film that i have just written

me: i am, and my day rate isn't too steep

what's the title of this project?

Steve: PLUNGER TRIPOD 5: THE REVENGE OF BLINKY

me: BLINKY MC BROWNEYE

AND THE ASSHOLE ASSASSIN

get it, ASS ASS IN?

HARF

HARF

Steve: that is a delicious pun

i would like to purchase it from you

me: you may have it, gratis

CORY DOCTOROW SEZ CREATIVE COMMONZ RULEZ JOO

Steve: CORY DID 9/11

me: GOOGLE RON PAUL

An Artistic Representation of Dave's Problems, Committed Artistly. Also? Thusly.

I am a famous international artiste, fwiw.

Also? Your art sucks.

tag der deutschen einheit, zwei

p.s.

nena ist meine lieblingsgruppe.





-jens krueger, der mopedfahrer aus berlin

tag der deutschen einheit

liebe alle:

bitte, errinert ihr alle an dieses ereignis:

In Soviet Russia, English Speaks … oh Fuck It.

dave: writing a program

using vi, and linux

oh, and java

me: what's that like?

dave: also? not .NET

william, you would like it I think

me: you see david, for some reason, i am now a .net engineer

dave: better than ASP my friend

me: which is causing untold grief

dave: of course, to each his own

me: i'm a big fan of VB

dave: I wouldn't want to dissuade you from the course you've taken

me: i think that i will write all of my programs shall now be written in VB

see what i did there?

dave: yes

me: i can't even structure a sentence correctly

dave: VB has polluted your understanding of our fair tongue

me: it has

dave: now, you will speak like russian

me: *bangs head on desk

dave: good russian VB programmers are always speaking good russian english, da, camarade?

me: da. soon i will be to writing the written programs in VB, which i will then write the programs. da?

dave: da

me: *weeps, gnashes teeth

*ponders "career change"

*dusts off resume, looks for "waitstaff jobs

Time Allocation, And The Resourcing Thereto

me: gah

"how's that JCR/CMS research coming along?"

we're supposed to have a white paper by end of day on that one

and, ah, not going to happen, due to my ongoing duties as a copy engineer

NEED MORE MONEY

me: *rubs temples

*rubs temples harder

*sticks fingers into frontal lobes, due to excessively hard temple rubbing

dave: heh

sounds like you need a whacking stick

also, sounds like your many many bosses are not communicating.

you know what I love to do?

me: smack heads together?

dave: "Dave can you X? it is important. OMG, we're all going to die if its not done, I promised the client"

"No - Tell Kevin that if he says I can work on X, I will. Otherwise, you're screwed"

that is, single thread my time through one person

I love doing that

I do it as often as I can

me: ahh - but you apparently work in some sort of "developer's utopia" where you have "1 person" and not "12 people" doing "resource allocation"

you see david, that i, unlike you, work in the land of the "multi headed hydra beast of resourcing"

dave: yeah, well, that's because I always explain that the first person to get me has 100% of my time, and will be forever in control of that 100% until the task is complete

me: also? none of those heads seemingly speak the same language

dave: you should try it - pretend only one person is in charge

me: which is unfortunate. a reptilian tower of babel as it were

dave: then tell all the other heads on your beast that the one head is in charge

then, let them fight it out

me: i would rather use a sharp sword

*sharpens

dave: me too, you 15 sided dice owning freak

I had a salad for lunch

spinach, chicken, tomoato mozzarella, olives

with just a splash of oil and vinegar

me: i had a lunch mostly built on anger and "bad life choice reminiscence"

dave: ah, in that case I support the aesthetic appeal of honey mustard

as it is reminiscent of bad life choice

me: *sobs


n.b. - while it's true that my lunch was built primarily on anger and bad life choice reminiscence as stated above, the entire lunch also included a sandwich, made from roast beef, provolone, lettuce, tomatoes, roasted red peppers and the above-mentioned "honey mustard", of which David has an aversion to bordering on the psychotic. He spoke to me in a derogatory fashion regarding said condiment, and this chat is a further extension of the same. We wanted to be sure to point out not only David's increasingly erratic condiment problems but also the fact that there is a continual "dead horse flogging" of topics on this blog, which, if you've ever looked at this unholy collection of words and POSTS! before, you'll already know, but, owing to the fact that I'm not only redundant but also find my redundancy increasingly hilarious in my old age, wanted to, of course, be redundant about.

Workers of the World, Unite?

billy: GIVETH PIG IRON!
Steve: TAKETH AWAY PIG POON!!!
billy: OH MERCI!
YOU HAVE MET MY EX, I SEE!
Steve: GORPH!!!
billy: did you go to "work" today?
Steve: i did, worked the whole day actually
WORKED MY HOLE
LOL
billy: LOL HOLE FILLIN, JAM-MASTER
Steve: I AM KING OF ASS-CRAMMING
YOU NAME IT, I ASS-CRAM IT
billy: I DO REMEMBER THOSE WARM BROOKLYN NIGHTS, GOOD SIR
KINDLY REMOVE THIS TOOLBOX FROM MY ASS, I FRET THAT MY LUCKY SCREWDRIVER IS TUCKED AWAY
Steve: AND HERE I THOUGHT "PHILLIP'S HEAD" MEANT SOMETHING ALTOGETHER DIFFERENT!!!
*laughs foppishly
billy: IT DEPENDS ON THE NIGHT, AREA SAILORS!
Steve: *gets the vapours, faints
billy: *whirls dervishly
Steve: *pats mouth-corner daintily with lacy hanky
billy: *opens, closes parasol
Steve: *seats small monkey atop unicycle, teaches to pedal
* waxes moustache
*invents spinning jenny
*spins jenny
billy: *unlocks carriage from main house, beckons man servant, parades around grounds
Steve: * saunters jauntily whilst singing the latest irving berlin ditty
billy: *puts on derby hat, trims goatee, drinks sweet tea
Steve: *builds railroad, amasses monopoly
billy: *controls price of steel throughout country, undersells, drives little guy out of business, swims in pools of cash
Steve: *cackles with glee, notices it's late 1929, jumps out of high window
billy: *opens shirt-waist factory, burns it down
Steve: *bust unions
billy: *opens factory town, closes same
Steve: *employs moon-faced hill people to darn socks at 2 cents per week
*adjusts monocle
billy: *buttons, unbuttons suit coat, prepares for late lunch
Steve: *invents new drink called 'sidecar', gets plowed, votes for roosevelt 36 times
billy: *runs whiskey with joe kennedy
Steve: *racketeers, launders, dances charleston
billy: *opens speakeasy, bones flappers
Steve: *flaps, faps
billy: *faps flaps
Steve: *invents corn flake-based cereal to inhibit fapping
billy: *removes tommy-gun from violin case
*rubs out competition

day of wreck-oning

evacuation plans, no sir.
im currently making a list of stores i plan on looting.

if anyone wants anything let me know.